last_enigma

I stood upon the ramparts of my heart since time immemorial. I cannot remember how long I have kept this hawk's watch upon the landscape of feeling, out across a sea of longing. Many have come and gone before my eyes; few knocked at my door, for I loosed an arrow at them before the thought could form in their mind. Some slipped through my barrage of bolts, slamming upon the great steel doors and yelling up at me to let them in. Laughing, I scorned them, turning them away once and twice and three times -- as many times as it took for them to walk away, frustrated and grumbling.

Once I was through with them, I saw you standing there, staring up at me in wonder. Blinking, I tilted my head and thought, "Why is it he stands so still, as if he does not dare touch the entrance?" I looked a little harder, and I saw another figure with you; he was your guide. Within his mind he held a map that knew the way to me; its knowledge he shared with you by showing you where to go. I greeted him. "Hail, friend! What brings you here today?"

He laughed and answered, "This poor soul here's in dire need of someone to hear his words! I thought your ears might be up to the task."

I pondered those words, finding them unusual. Many times he'd led others to me, but never with such an utterance. More often than not it was, "Come to the fray with me! We shall triumph over these poor fools and show them the glory of our ways!" Not so this time. This time, it was, "Hear him out, for he needs a patient and listening and attentive ear..."

I didn't know what else to do, so I looked down and opened an ear. In poured tales of a love broken and shattered in shards too tiny to pick up again; I don't remember what I said in reply. With time, the shards came back -- with a new, distinct form.

Little did I know that form would progressively center on me.

Throughout countless conversations you showed me who you were, what you liked and disliked -- and even what you looked like. I returned the favor; soon we knew each other's tastes, hobbies and a tidbit of our personalities. You were incredibly inquisitive at first -- a trait that I remember fondly. Asking so many questions about me, about what makes me tick and what makes me tock... Always so careful not to offend me, as if handling a porcelain doll. "Sorry if it's boring, but I read a lot!" I'll remember that one forevermore... I answered, "How can it be boring when you're talking to a bookworm, gamer, artist and writer all rolled into one?"

To be honest, when at first you admitted your attraction to me (to the idea of me?) I felt a wave of sorrow sweep across my bastion. I was dismayed, knowing I could not return this affection; I thought, "Oh, heavens, not another one! Isn't it enough that I don't know what to tell two people -- but now a third? Ye gods..."

Perhaps it was too hasty a verdict. I had no way of knowing what lay ahead of me.

Little by little my wall lowered for you; I wanted to hear you more clearly, catch your words as they fell from racing fingertips onto my screen. The door remains just as imposing as it always was, still a tall, proud structure of steel and bone, built with sweat and blood as its mortar... but the writing upon it, such a stern, cold warding, began to fade for your eyes only. When I see you trailing along my horizon now, circling ever closer to my bastion, I giggle while running down the stairs and place my ear at the door. The steel grows thinner, becoming more like wood as our voices connect and entwine. Every now and again I peeped out through the keyhole, catching a glance as you laughed, catching your eye as it passed.

I scurried about, telling you to wait just one moment -- and then it hit me. The key was out of reach, left too far skyward for me to grasp it and lift it to the lock. Although I know now the secret to obtaining it, waiting for the perfect opportunity to do so will be hard. Longing's tide ebbs ever closer, and in its stubbornness it shows no sign of receding.

Even through these trials I can't lose sight of you -- you're everywhere I look. Through storms of sorrow and blizzards of pain, you are my beacon. I can only hope you'll let me take you through fields of joy once I find them again.

Running through my head so long, do your legs not tire of bearing you? Do you not take the time to breathe and let yourself recover...?

(Title is French, and can be ROUGHLY translated to, "I can but be moved by your softened heart...")

Duality.

It's an interesting word; oddly enough, it's the one word that resonates strongly within me. I don't understand that very well, but I accept it. At least I'm aware of how well it fits.

Two sides of the same coin... I see it everywhere, not just in myself. Politicians who help their people just as much as they hinder them. Countries who destroy just as much as they rebuild. A brotherhood of man that ignores and shuns -- but that bands together when things go wrong.

I am earthbound, yet long to soar. My roots run deep here, but I wish I could be elsewhere. I show kindness to dear friends and a cold heart to the average passerby. My blood flows warm, yet I relish in cold temperatures. I want to know, but I fear to dwell on it. I want to heal, but I can't let myself forget. I wish I'd flex talons, but instead I curl soft hands adorned with mere nails. Human by blood, I can't relate to mankind.

Good. Evil. Light. Darkness. Right. Wrong.

These words have always been separate, yet are used in conjunction with one another. Why do we revere one side, yet fear the other? It doesn't make any sense. It isn't possible to hold a coin in hand and pretend that one side doesn't exist, or doesn't matter. Why must we do so with concepts that are as fundamental as they are subjective, as distinct as they are inseparable?

I don't understand you, Mankind. I don't pretend I do. I never have. I'm not sure I ever will. But... should that mean you are free to ignore one side of your nature? You strive for peace yet vouch for war. You rebuild, but only when you have destroyed. Open your eyes. Look in the mirror. Even if you don't like what you see, force yourself to gaze at your own image.

What do you see? Do you see only the light reflecting off your flesh, or do you also see the shadows that give you substance? Do you see the pitch-black void in your pupils, or do you also see that little gleam that brings your eyes to life?

Tell me, enlighten me, enthrall me -- teach me. I want to know. I want to pick you apart and see your inner workings. But I don't want to see this illusion you've cast over yourself. Wake up, please, I beg of you. Wake up -- the time to dream has ended.

It... It was weird, you know?

Last night, I felt overcome by melancholy. I can't explain it, and I won't pretend to understand.

Still, I've got to wonder... Funny how it seemed to be triggered by my reading Phantom of the Opera-related stuff. Funny how it started soon after I re-discovered Point of No Return.

I don't know what I was on! It was as if I had this leaden weight pulling my heart ever downward. Mind you, I wasn't really depressed, just... just kinda feeling blue outta nowhere, y'see.

The more I think of it, the more I'm not sure I want to understand.

Another thing. Last night I was giving a lot of myself to others -- trying to counsel both a dear friend and a complete stranger for different things entirely. Maybe I should have reserved more time and effort to myself? I don't know. I've done that before, though, without adverse effects -- the counselling part. I really don't understand it. The more I think of it, the more it confuses me.

Ack, sometimes it's just weird having wayward emotions. Maybe it was even that quirky blah-in-the-wake-of-V-day thing? I really don't know. Any idea sounds plausible right now...

"Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?" - Ernest Gaines
We would like to know who really believes in gay rights on LiveJournal. There is no bribe of a miracle or anything like that. If you truly believe in gay rights, then repost this and title the post as "Gay Rights". If you don't believe in gay rights, then just ignore this. Thanks.


Why is it that we must even use the term "gay rights"? As if homosexuality makes one any less of a person... Pff. That this is an issue is more than simply outrageous. One of my closest friends happens to be gay, and he's one hell of a guy! In fact, I'd be tempted to say he's got a more well-rounded personality than several people I can think of out there...

This quiz result scared the bejeesus out of me. Because... I dunno, it's true, but it's not all of what I am.

Yeah, that's right -- first post in this new LJ o'mine~ I'll need to add a few people to my Friends list, and so on... Still, though, I'm glad I'm here. <3 I'll come up with something more meaningful later, when I actually have something to say. For now, though, this will be all. Laters~

-Enigma